This is about my first born and only son, Hudson. He turned 9 on Friday and though I don’t feel the time I carried him, the time he was born, a newborn, a toddler and pre schooler was too long ago, I feel like a lot has changed from the moment I found out I was pregnant for the first time.
I had ideals, I knew what kind of mother I wanted to be, I knew I wanted three kids.
I thought I did anyway.
The ideals are now a bit askew, the mother I thought I wanted to be is not the person I am. I do have three kids but I was honestly happy with just one after having Hudson.
The week leading up to Hudson’s 9th Birthday we had big blows, big enough for me to tell him I didn’t really feel like organising anything for him because the arguments from my wonderfully articulate son became too real, too confronting. I realised only a few days ago that my parenting needs reassessing. I felt like my relationship with my son was becoming irrelevant, I couldn’t relate to him, I didn’t/don’t understand a lot about him and why he has the need to negotiate everything, from doing his homework to why it’s important to tie your shoelace before his basketball match.
It is never ending. A never ending battle in which I mostly choose to ignore but it’s hard. Is it me?
Was his first formative 5 years of his life the product of him being flowered with everything he asked for. According to experts, it probably was.
So, is this it? I’ve made a son, a person who will forever battle his way through anything he doesn’t want to do or is this a habit we’ve fallen into. How the heck do I fix this now?
I’m working on it. I turned to my husband and with gritted teeth, said “Deal with this!” So,my husband told Hudson to invite three friends to come back after school for a play and a movie at the drive in which he would take them. Hudson made his own invitations and managed to organise his friends.
I, feeling incredibly guilty for telling him to organise his own birthday party,(yes, still reassesing) contacted the parents of the friends I knew he had invited and sent them a message about the invitations going out. I did end up buying food, organising his presents and booking the movie tickets. Mother guilt, forever a daily feeling. So, did I just spoil him again? Parenting is so confusing.
My husband says, just enjoy all the good bits about him now because the time goes too quickly and the only way he’s going to learn is if he misses out. When did my husband have wise words to say?
Oh dear Hudson. I remember falling in love with you the moment we first met. I’ll hold onto that, even when there has been so many other feelings thrown in there too. I love you. This is a mothers love.